Home alone
Apr. 8th, 2024 07:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thruthelookingglassToday is the first day I’m feeling marginally better, better enough to actually do a handful of things around the house.
I’m watching Rick Beato’s interview with jazz guitar legend George Benson, drinking tea, taking a break from my epic Lego organization project. I got WAY too into organizing these legos. Sometime near the beginning of this project I felt real despair, I deeply regretted my commitment to organizing each lego by type, but then my professional organizer friend loaned me her label maker and well, I got over the plateau. I’m almost done, people. Just in time for my child to return home and mess it all up again. The things we do for our children. Or really, for ourselves.
Earlier I watched the eclipse on YouTube. I texted my family in Ohio, my aunt sent a pretty good pic from the Cleveland area. I’d hoped to add it but I guess I need to figure out photo hosting for that. Maybe later.
Here it was rainy and I noticed no change in the quality of the light. I remember the last eclipse in August 2017 when B was a baby. My brother was here and M. Sanchez was still alive, though he wasn’t here. We took a colander outside and B was sleeping in his stroller and we watched as the little circular shadows became moon-shaped. Somewhere I still have eclipse glasses from that day, though I couldn’t find them for today. I was unexpectedly choked up watching the people all enjoying the eclipse together. I miss big events like that. This isn’t a thing we do, my husband and I. And I get it, big crowds and parking are both not fun and even less fun since COVID-19. But I miss things like that, like going to Red, White & Boom in downtown Columbus with thousands of other people, eating dripping popsicles from your cooler and watching the fireworks from the comfort of your own blanket. We are a lot more isolated now generally speaking, and while I think there are good things that come of this, there’s something to be said for that kind of communal experience.
I was texting my friend K (not to be confused with husband K) and realized that this is the first time I’ve been alone in my own home for this amount of time, for literal years. I’ve traveled on my own, and last year husband K left for a week trip, but B was with me. Husband K almost never travels without me, so this is probably the first time since moving to Seattle that I have been alone in my own home for five days. This is absolutely insane to me, as a person that loves to be alone. Husband K is just not a guy that travels on his own without extenuating circumstances. I’m hoping this encourages him to do it more, it’s really interesting to observe myself in this environment, how I act without anyone around.
Let’s see, when did I last live alone? The first year I lived in Chicago I guess. Over 10 years ago. I lived in that apartment around the corner from the Logan Square blue line station, with the courtyard, I loved that apartment even though you had to walk through the bedroom to get to the kitchen and the range kind of slanted a bit. It cost too much, but it was in this fantastic old building with a milk door and a built in phone stand and big, drafty windows that I had to do the hairdryer-plastic-film thing over during the winter because literal wind blew in around the edges. After that, I moved in with a roommate, and after that husband K and I moved to Seattle, moved in together, and started this whole crazy domestic life.
I have been fantasizing about living alone again, but hadn’t til now had a chance to test it out. I often tell people I wouldn’t be lonely, but it’s good to have the confirmation that no, I really wouldn’t. The house is barely a mess because I’ve been eating the same thing off the same plate and reading this whole time, so while there’s cleaning I could be doing of a deeper variety, my own upkeep has been super minimal. Tomorrow is my last full day. Husband K and B will come home Wednesday sometime, probably midday. Then K’s mom will come and it will probably be a shock to my system, so much conversation and company.
I’m not sure what to do about my relationship. This unexpected separation has been really nice, and while I won’t say I haven’t missed husband K, it’s just that I like being alone more. This is the thing that’s hard for me to square, is that he’s a great guy. We get along. He’s a wonderful dad. We’ve had our issues, I won’t lie and say our whole relationship is incredible, but there’s no obvious compelling reason to leave. I am just, I think, not really made for romantic relationships. I once was maybe, but I’m not now. Thinking of leaving is so much different with a child in the mix. I know, it doesn’t make sense to stay for the kid or whatever. But it does make the decision that much more fraught, that much more complicated, especially when you live in an expensive city and you know at least one of you can’t afford to stay in the same school district without the dual income.
I don’t have to decide that now though. What I do have to decide is what I’m going to do with the legos that don’t fit into the current organizing system. I need to get another set of drawers, because I’ve run out of space. A mom’s work is never done.
It’s 8:09 pm. I don’t have to do anything. I can go to bed, or not. Last night at this time I was in bed already, but tonight I think I’ll finish organizing legos, then go read my book. I might go to bed or not. No one will scold me if I don’t. Husband K has this annoying habit of treating me like a child. I know he has my best interests in mind but it’s really fucking annoying. I am an adult and I get to make bad choices if I want to.
however I probably won’t make the bad choice of staying up late because I do actually want to get better. I am so so tired of feeling sick. So off to the legos I go, and finish watching this interview, and then probably reading and bed like a good girl.
I’m watching Rick Beato’s interview with jazz guitar legend George Benson, drinking tea, taking a break from my epic Lego organization project. I got WAY too into organizing these legos. Sometime near the beginning of this project I felt real despair, I deeply regretted my commitment to organizing each lego by type, but then my professional organizer friend loaned me her label maker and well, I got over the plateau. I’m almost done, people. Just in time for my child to return home and mess it all up again. The things we do for our children. Or really, for ourselves.
Earlier I watched the eclipse on YouTube. I texted my family in Ohio, my aunt sent a pretty good pic from the Cleveland area. I’d hoped to add it but I guess I need to figure out photo hosting for that. Maybe later.
Here it was rainy and I noticed no change in the quality of the light. I remember the last eclipse in August 2017 when B was a baby. My brother was here and M. Sanchez was still alive, though he wasn’t here. We took a colander outside and B was sleeping in his stroller and we watched as the little circular shadows became moon-shaped. Somewhere I still have eclipse glasses from that day, though I couldn’t find them for today. I was unexpectedly choked up watching the people all enjoying the eclipse together. I miss big events like that. This isn’t a thing we do, my husband and I. And I get it, big crowds and parking are both not fun and even less fun since COVID-19. But I miss things like that, like going to Red, White & Boom in downtown Columbus with thousands of other people, eating dripping popsicles from your cooler and watching the fireworks from the comfort of your own blanket. We are a lot more isolated now generally speaking, and while I think there are good things that come of this, there’s something to be said for that kind of communal experience.
I was texting my friend K (not to be confused with husband K) and realized that this is the first time I’ve been alone in my own home for this amount of time, for literal years. I’ve traveled on my own, and last year husband K left for a week trip, but B was with me. Husband K almost never travels without me, so this is probably the first time since moving to Seattle that I have been alone in my own home for five days. This is absolutely insane to me, as a person that loves to be alone. Husband K is just not a guy that travels on his own without extenuating circumstances. I’m hoping this encourages him to do it more, it’s really interesting to observe myself in this environment, how I act without anyone around.
Let’s see, when did I last live alone? The first year I lived in Chicago I guess. Over 10 years ago. I lived in that apartment around the corner from the Logan Square blue line station, with the courtyard, I loved that apartment even though you had to walk through the bedroom to get to the kitchen and the range kind of slanted a bit. It cost too much, but it was in this fantastic old building with a milk door and a built in phone stand and big, drafty windows that I had to do the hairdryer-plastic-film thing over during the winter because literal wind blew in around the edges. After that, I moved in with a roommate, and after that husband K and I moved to Seattle, moved in together, and started this whole crazy domestic life.
I have been fantasizing about living alone again, but hadn’t til now had a chance to test it out. I often tell people I wouldn’t be lonely, but it’s good to have the confirmation that no, I really wouldn’t. The house is barely a mess because I’ve been eating the same thing off the same plate and reading this whole time, so while there’s cleaning I could be doing of a deeper variety, my own upkeep has been super minimal. Tomorrow is my last full day. Husband K and B will come home Wednesday sometime, probably midday. Then K’s mom will come and it will probably be a shock to my system, so much conversation and company.
I’m not sure what to do about my relationship. This unexpected separation has been really nice, and while I won’t say I haven’t missed husband K, it’s just that I like being alone more. This is the thing that’s hard for me to square, is that he’s a great guy. We get along. He’s a wonderful dad. We’ve had our issues, I won’t lie and say our whole relationship is incredible, but there’s no obvious compelling reason to leave. I am just, I think, not really made for romantic relationships. I once was maybe, but I’m not now. Thinking of leaving is so much different with a child in the mix. I know, it doesn’t make sense to stay for the kid or whatever. But it does make the decision that much more fraught, that much more complicated, especially when you live in an expensive city and you know at least one of you can’t afford to stay in the same school district without the dual income.
I don’t have to decide that now though. What I do have to decide is what I’m going to do with the legos that don’t fit into the current organizing system. I need to get another set of drawers, because I’ve run out of space. A mom’s work is never done.
It’s 8:09 pm. I don’t have to do anything. I can go to bed, or not. Last night at this time I was in bed already, but tonight I think I’ll finish organizing legos, then go read my book. I might go to bed or not. No one will scold me if I don’t. Husband K has this annoying habit of treating me like a child. I know he has my best interests in mind but it’s really fucking annoying. I am an adult and I get to make bad choices if I want to.
however I probably won’t make the bad choice of staying up late because I do actually want to get better. I am so so tired of feeling sick. So off to the legos I go, and finish watching this interview, and then probably reading and bed like a good girl.
